Old Habits

Calzona Review 11x13  Staring at the End

While  the brilliant morning sky and the sound of birds chirping, grace the television  screen, Nicole Herman opens the remarkable  episode with this moving voice over…

“I don’t like questions without any answers. Like “where do we go when we die?” I mean, I know  what happens physiologically speaking but beyond that, what really happens? Anything? That’s what you start asking when you start living on a clock. All these questions without any answers.  They’ll drive you nuts. That’s why I like what I do. Fixing babies. Birthing babies. No ambigutity there. No questions.  Just answers, clear, precise, obvious answers. And life, beautiful new life. Hope for the future. God I miss that.”

Stacy McKee, the queen of Grey’s prose herself, did not fail us. This goosebump-worthy episode woke up my latent thoughts on mortality, how to face the inevitable end, and to do it in a badass fashion.

Clear, blunt, emotional.  The director, Mark Jackson, masterfully helmed  this episode in a way that any human being facing  the reality of death, will be inspired to triumph over fears of mortality.

Highlighted in this Herman-centric ep was  how beautiful  the friendship of Herman and Arizona had evolved; the unexpected appearance of  surprise! Surprise! Sofia Robbin Sloan Torres; and best of all  (my hairs are standing on end) the first  time that Arizona and Callie talked to each other again after that sad “just not enough”  scene.

That my all-time favorite Calzona writer Stacy Mc Kee wrote this post hiatus maiden dialogue  of the estranged beloved pair, was just apt. I would trust Stacy (over any other Greys writer)  with any Calzona scene and I’m happy she wrote it.

Arizona Robbins' and Nicole Herman’s friendship

The banter of  chirpy Robbins  and snarky Herman showed and told us that these two had formed an important bond. And Arizona cajoling  Herman about that 47 minute MRI session  like how one would attend to a child who needs to drink her cough syrup. It was cute. 

The friendship was familiar, they had become close-- Arizona calling her out when Herman detested her patient’s stubbornness, chiding that she displayed  the same attitude with Amelia;  getting drunk on vodka together; and burning that hideous creepy MRI mask, The new  friendship, the bond between them was evident. A far cry from the strict, even cold, mentor-mentee relationship of many episodes ago. 

Herman and Robbins went about trying to finish four  months of surgeries squeezed into the eight- week timeframe Herman allotted before she was to go into surgery. Surgery to be signaled, according to genius Dr Amelia Shepherd, by signs that the tumor had already invaded the optic chiasm.

I liked how they showed  shots of the colored cards with the names of the babies they were treating, to show us the cases and ages of the babies,  that was simply  on point. Dramatic.

Respect for the Tumor

Worthy of mention in this  tumor-centric ep was  Amelia’s  “Life will Out” tumor speech. Stacy made that speech a masterpiece . It made me see a brain tumor in a new way, like it was human.

This ep traced the tug of war for survival between the tumor, and the human that it had invaded. After all, the tumor “deserves a little respect”

“It’s not just a tumor. It’s ingenuity. It’s strength. It’s poetry. One of God’s masterpieces. It is alive.”

This moving “tribute” to the tumor, paralleled with scenes of Herman undergoing an MRI.  What else could be more moving? Who wouldn’t need a hand to hold while watching this?

It was very difficult not to shed tears. I could feel every emotion of fear, of being repulsed and demeaned to be lying in that cold hard bed, being scanned by a radiation filled  machine,  and wearing that despicable multi-holed mask.

It was no surprise that Arizona was deeply  affected in the MRI scenes where Herman was shown to breathe heavily, showing her  fear. Even grabbing Arizona’s hand when she was about to be scanned. There was not a dry spot in my tear-stained face.

It was intense emotion. Arizona, in all her toughness, couldn’t hold back her feelings. She had so much concern and she felt sorry for Herman. Herman was alone. No one had her back except Arizona. The attachment formed , I am scared to think, might make Arizona  more susceptible to whatever the surgery results  would be.

It was a lesson in feeble humanity  and humility, and it was realistic.

A brilliant doctor, the best in her field, living life on a clock,  having to go through  the same procedures as her patients would. Signifying that no one is exempt. All face the same fear,   the same tragic yet glorious reality of an end.

Amelia gave us confidence on her plan of action, the tumor “isn’t smarter than you. You just need a plan of attack.  You must be methodical. Point of access is key. And then you start. That is the most daunting step…the first cut is what sets the tone. It determines every single move from that point on. So you have to be careful. You have to be sure. Or you’re in trouble. “

Embedded in this whole beautiful tumor speech where it seemed that  triumph over the tumor was doable,  there was that unshakeable  sense of foreboding because of Amelia’s own personal baggage in plans to execute the surgery.

The gist of it all, Amelia was confident that she will beat the tumor.

And Arizona, as they went about Herman’s MRI sessions, their own fetal surgeries, was witness to all of Herman’s fragility in the midst of  toughness; of her newfound hope, and fear of hoping.

Passing the baton

Arizona was thrust into the fetal surgery actual cases and the learning was at top speed. They were running against time.  It was time to do the practical work. Herman decided it was time to take off the training wheels. Arizona the student, had to dive in and perform the surgeries, including the crash C section (which she hesitated to do)while Herman could still troubleshoot in case there were mistakes.

In the midst of all the rushed  learning,  Robbins was the dutiful concerned  friend,  constantly urging and reminding Herman about  radiation procedure schedules as Amelia ordered, which Herman detested.

Throughout the episode,  Arizona had been insisting that she wasn’t ready to take over yet. And Herman had her firm stand, as she perennially cooly said “it doesn’t matter”

Arizona had had enough of this insistence by Herman. Maybe because she still had that anxiety to  take on the huge responsibility, but maybe moreso  because she didn’t want Herman to say goodbye.

One of the most important scenes that made me break down in this ep was:

Arizona: Stop! Stop! You’re not hearing me. It does matter.  I’m not ready.

Herman: You think I am? You think this is easy for me? You think im ready? I was fine. I got fine. With dying. And then you infected me with you your stupid…Shepherd and her plan and your stupid hope. And now, its harder than ever, to hand all this over, I don’t want to.  I’m scared to, I’m scared to let go of it. And it’s`all your fault so I think the very least you could do is deserve it. Take over, do well. Make me not regret it. Can you do that? Please?

This is one of the most moving lines I have ever heard on Grey's this season. I cannot express how moved I was, the more I watch this scene repeatedly.

Another  of my favorite scenes was Herman  telling Arizona her last wishes while they lay on the grass talking and looking  at the clouds (Mertina-style), talking about the after-life as  angels and dandelions.  They got very  close. Arizona had absorbed all of this and throughout the ep, she always shot down Herman’s references to death.

When Herman talked about her remains being cremated, Arizona wouldn’t have any of it.

When Herman’s surgery was due earlier  than expected, Arizona had the triple burden of having to handle the fragile surgery of Glenda Castillo , handling her own emotions about Herman’s surgery, and giving Herman courage, comfort  and consolation.

Callie and Jealousy

This funny ‘Callie and the gang’ cafeteria scene  was a welcome relief. Because Callie was too funny with the jealousy bit.

Callie: Just look at them. Arizona and Herman,  they’re practically joined at the hip. They’re laughing all the time, and Arizona seems so happy…like really happy..

Mer: You seem happy-ish

Alex: Why do you even care?

Callie: I don’t, obviously. I’m just making conversation. 

(Callie is my patron saint of humor.  I was so tense in the first quarter of the episode and Callie provided the much needed amusement. )

Don’t you guys think it’s weird that they’re always together?

Mer: They're not always together

Alex: They do bunk up together sometimes

Callie: What?

Alex: Robbins has been crashing with Herman. She hasn’t slept at the house all week

Mer: Alex!

Alex: I don’t mean it like that

Mer: They’re not together together and you know that

Callie: Arizona used to hate her, now they’re  having sleepovers?

Maggie: Well it’s a good thing, right? That they’re getting along? Herman’s not exactly the warmest person

Callie: When did this happen? She found the perfect rebound without having to  actually find a rebound.I mean she just gets all the good times and the fun. None of the bad times or the mess. No chance of getting hurt, you don’t even have to wax, it’s not fair. Oh my God am I seriously wishing for a sexless relationship where I don’t have to groom myself? Is that where I am right now? 

It was a sane albeit funny description of Callie’s present state of mind. There was jealousy, there was an inward questioning of her current condition,  which was just  hilarious. Of course her seeming jealousy is pulling at my heartstrings and making me blush and giggle, but it’s a novel way to show how Callie makes jealousy so cool and humorous.

Sofia, is that you?

A happy intermission to this sad episode was the most awaited appearance of Sofia!!! Finally, after 5,878, 654 days,  it’s confirmed that she isn’t missing! It was the most adorable scene, seeing Callie peering from the window of the daycare, as Arizona visited Sofia. It was too cute.

They Finally Talked!

And for the first time since “Just not enough, ” this happened!

Yes yes yes!!  Callie actually spoke to Arizona. I don’t really know if they bumped into each other at daycare or if Callie sought her out but in the meantime, while staring at them, I couldn’t breathe

Callie: Hey, how are you?

Arizona: Uh good

Callie: How’s Dr Herman? Is she good? Is everything good?

Arizona: Yeah I mean she’s killing me with back-to- back surgeries but

Callie: Yeah and Amelia’s plan, you good with that?

Arizona: Callie what are you…

Callie: I’m not, I'm just checking in okay? I’m just seeing how you are and uh How um

Arizona: Callie

Callie: Well it just seems like you and Dr Herman are getting along really, really well and you used to complain that she was killing you but now you’re happy that she’s killing you and it seems like you really really like her.

Arizona: I do, I actually do. She’s great. She’s I mean she’s amazing

Callie: And she’s sick. So I worry.

Arizona: Amelia’s got it covered. She’s gonna be fine

Callie: I worry about you. I know I shouldn’t. I know its none of my business but uh, old habits

Arizona: Well that’s uh, Thanks. Oh okay I got to go

Callie’s expression  when she said “old habits” made me want to cry and hug her at the same time. The concern was there. The love was there. And it was so realistic. Sometimes when we are so used to being concerned for people, it doesn’t just die. Callie saying  “Old habits” made me miss how they were before and that made me sentimental.

It was a stark contrast from Callie’s reaction to Arizona in 11x 08 when Arizona asked her if she missed her. And she assumed from Callie’s reaction: “ Just not enough”

Some people say it was not jealousy on Callie’s part, but to put it bluntly, it was jealousy and concern. It was what it was.

That kind of attitude is normal. And it was adorable. Arizona didn’t have the slightest idea what Callie was getting at and when the conversation went on, and Callie asked if she was good with Herman’s plan, she was about to call Callie out on what it was all about.

Callie’s Initial feelings were of jealousy. Why not? She didn’t have her own partner . Nor was she dating, really. Then of course she rationalizes that it’s not her place to be jealous, the feelings switch to automatic concern. Which is normal too. That doesn’t  really go away with past loves, does it? Maybe?

That Herman is sick and Callie was assuming that if Arizona was indeed falling in love with her, it wouldn’t be a wise move.  Then again, it goes back to jealousy, which is okay. Wink.

Callie didn’t really get to know though that it was nothing romantic.  She was basically left with that assumption because Arizona did reply that Herman was great and amazing.

Surgery Ifs

Take note that Callie did raise that big question publicly during Amelia’s tumor speech at the auditorium. She asked Amelia if she was going to perform the surgery by herself. And that cannot be ignored.

 In truth, it all the more raises the possibility that something might go wrong during the surgery because Derek might really be needed at the surgery but Amelia, for her own personal reasons, chose to forego Derek’s participation.

Amelia’s pride of not having her genius of a brother help her on the surgery, was getting in the way. Sad that in such a celebrated surgery plan as this, Amelia’s chance to shine seemed to be more important than saving Herman.

Sadly, it is a good chance to save Herman but this is Grey’s Anatomy, where you can’t expect to not have tears, and  Geena Davis is not a regular cast member,  and all the lines in this episode spelled E-N-D in a not so subtle way.

However, as Jerrika Hinton said in a tweet, it seems next episode’s ending will be unexpected, so we really cannot guess too easily what really is going to happen.

Every single scene that Arizona cried for Herman secretly in 11x13 made me want to bawl. It was so emotional and real.

She was an emotional wreck in this ep especially when they weren’t able to save the patient’s baby when they had to do a crash C section. Probably, she also remembered her own miscarriage, losing her baby. Too emotional, really.

Remember when Herman told her to “stop crying. Stop it right now. There’s no time for crying. We have work to do….Cause that’s the way it goes, Robbins. ”  No-nonsense all-business Herman made me cry all the more and Arizona had to tuck it all in.

Herman’s reminder to Arizona: “If I survive this surgery but don’t wake up, it could be five days, a week tops, then pull the plug.”

All this bluntness from Herman  was taking its toll on Arizona but we could see that she tried to be strong all throughout.

So that sense of foreboding, all of that, took its toll on me too.

Who wouldn’t  feel Jessica’s sensitive acting when  that time Herman was about to undergo surgery, Arizona prepped her , all emotion filled the entire screen.

Intense, just intense.

You could feel her love and empathy for Herman. It was heartbreaking. She knew Herman was scared too,  even  as  Herman   gave Robbins the step-by-step on the Castillo surgery,  as she was being wheeled off to the O.R.  Arizona gave her pep talk  “She has you. Amelia has you. This is  the point where you trust her, okay? This is the point where you trust her.” 

Fantastic camera work here when Herman was being wheeled off and faces of Arizona and Amelia showed on screen as they gave their last messages to Herman.

The last scene was too touching for words.  Herman was about to be operated on. Only the oxygen mask was about to be placed.

She warded off the mask and still wanted to say something to Arizona, as if it were her last few moments and she did not want to miss out on saying whatever she wanted to say.

Arizona felt her fear, Herman was up front with her about that.

Arizona: Hey you’ve got this. Amelia’s got this

Herman: Wait, Robbins

Arizona: No. Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare say it, Nicole.

Herman: Time to go.

Arizona wouldn’t hear of it. Maybe Herman felt something but Arizona did not let her say it. Arizona was that fearful, that sad of what would befall Herman. She could not even listen to her words. I fear though that he might regret this later. She was single-minded in trusting Amelia’s capability.

Failure was not an option.  High expectations from Arizona, how I hope she doesn’t get overly  affected if things don’t turn out as expected.

And the episode ends with the most beautiful voice over script of the season, courtesy of Nicole Herman,  mentor and friend  of my baby Arizona,  and  the finest fetal surgeon  this side of the world, an inspiration,  a warrior:

“I never placed much value on wondering about an after life. My concern was always this life. What would i do with it? How would i make my mark? I wanted to break new ground. I wanted to leave a legacy. I wanted my life, my brain, my existence to mean something. The thing that i never really thought about though, the thing i never really wrapped my brain around till now was in order to do that, in order to be remembered, in order to leave something significant behind, you have to leave.”

Postscript

Seeing Callie and Arizona see each other again eye to eye and talk again after  so long, was the highlight of this ep for me. Amidst all the drama, this was most important.

How their relationship will be after the surgery is the big question. And I am eager how it will all play out.

Callie’s expression toward her estranged wife  in 11x08  was so different  from how she was  in 11x13.

Now it was Callie who was checking on Arizona. She was the one more attached and concerned.  Maybe jealousy spurs feelings to out? It's safest to say, old habits of care, love, concern never die for people we loved.

Arizona, whose attention was divided because of what was going on with Herman and their surgery marathon, was detached. She was surprised with Callie’s questions and her “worry” about her and it was so cute. 

I don’t know if she sensed some hint of jealousy from Callie but what’s important was that Callie was straightforward with her. She honestly told her that she was worried about her and worry is another word for love in case you were not aware.

The outcome of the surgery will be a big deal for Calzona  because Arizona has been there all the way with Herman. How this surgery turns out, whether positive or negative,  will have an impact on Arizona—personally, career-wise, and even in her relationship with Callie.

If it goes well, Arizona will be the happiest person. If it doesn’t go well, Arizona will be shattered.  And I do think she is ready for the fetal surgery challenges because her mentor taught her well. Emotionally though, it will be hard.  

Many people have deduced, this will be a perfect time where Callie can be there to support her, and hopefully make them closer.  Why not …. happy or sad situations will make them start getting back to talking and helping each other out.

I was so sure that they were going to be back together again sometime in 11x15, and now I realize I was  wrong. Obviously  it will take longer, but the journey will move us. And touch our hearts. For sure.

Here's to seeing more old habits.

I just hope that however long and difficult this journey will be, I hope it will all be worth it. 

Worthy of forever.

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