Loneliness is the Truth

                       

                                      

Calzona Review 11x10 “The Bed’s Too Big Without You”

Loneliness pervaded 11x10. This loneliness extricated so many tears from me.

It was a five-hanky episode. It was the episode that made me cry most in Season 11. And this drama-packed ep was just perfectly directed by Chandra Wilson.

I loved the episode instantly right from the first few scenes.

Mer was lonely.  Jackson and April were lonely. Amelia was lonely. Owen was lonely.

Yep, Callie and Arizona were lonely.

Arizona in her first scene was in bed all alone, on Callie’s side of the bed (I feel my tears falling from one eye), staring into space thinking. Sadness was  etched all over her face.   Then she covered her face with a pillow--that thing you do when things are …just…lonely.

Callie too had her own loneliness, and she did articulate this  clearly to Owen in her last scene.

This is the episode  I was  both excited and dreading to watch, because of that much talked- about  possible one-night stand.

Waiting for that scene between  Callie and medical tech rep Jenna was excruciating.

Meredith’s narration made me lonely from the onset…

“They found this guy in Maine who had been living alone in the woods for thirty years. They called him the “last true hermit.” Thirty years without the warmth  of human touch. Without conversation.  The hermit felt more lonely when he was out in the world. Than he ever felt in the woods by himself. Surrounded by people but drowning in solitude. That kind of loneliness,  can swallow you whole.”

The Little Gun

Arizona was checking on April’s baby and said tests would show if their baby was type 2 or 3.

Arizona assuaged the fears of the Japril couple that “many type 3 babies lived very very  happy lives.” The kind of words of hope that Jackson and April needed at a crucial time like this. Arizona was clearly supportive.

Jackson wondered,  “Shouldn’t Dr Herman be doing this?”

According to Arizona ,  since it’s a routine procedure, anybody could do it and  “Dr Herman is the big gun. We`only  fire the big gun  when we need the big gun. I’m the little gun,  so make the little gun work.

The woman who Introduced the transducers

Owen and Callie met the much talked about medical tech rep who introduced the transducers.

Jenna: “Robotic limbs for injured vets, sexy as hell. And we at Cybersystems are dying to climb into bed with you.” 

Callie was clueless at Jenna's double entendre “That’s very flattering.”

So when the med tech rep left, Callie mistakenly thought she was flirting  with Owen.

Owen: So what do you think?

Callie: I think you should definitely go for it

Owen: I was not  impressed with these transducers.

Callie: What? Those things  are crap. I’m talking about her.

Little did Callie know, Jenna had the hots, not for Owen but for her.

Crash course

Arizona was realizing how peds was so much easier than fetal surgery where there was no kid to hold, and having to deal with two scared parents feeling totally helpless, seemed like a daunting task.

Herman had a surprise for her thirst for knowledge, though.

“I have been working miracles. I have  found us the most incredible surgeries for the next few weeks….

That’s just the beginning. The beginning of your crash course. “

She  hunted down the most  screwed up  most medically compromised fetuses “for you to learn and for us to save”

Arizona:  “And you get to fix them all?”

Herman: “We will. Start reading.”

Arizona was eager to devour the tons of reading material Herman left her.

Her learning was in full gear. Her thirst for knowledge was quenched.  Just as she wanted. 

Courtesy of her mentor, who seemed to have gone past  what happened last episode and was still all too willing to share her knowledge with Arizona.

The fetal surgery protege was all set. It was a beautiful day to start learning  to save fetus’ lives.

How Herman handles the awful

Then we see Herman and Arizona discussing patients, stillborns, tragic cases.

 Arizona was appalled how Herman could handle all the gloomy stories that were faced by the patients that she had studied.

Arizona: How do you do this?  …without…these stories are awful

Herman: They’re patients, Robbins, the more you find, the more you learn, the more we save…It's as simple as that. Your work is making these three categories  ‘possible, impossible , maybe.’  Any other approach is a waste of our time.

Not only was she teaching Robbins theory and more problem solving cases, she was teaching Robbins the kind  of toughness that a fetal surgeon was to have. 

Teaching Arizona a new way of thinking in tackling the cases-- a more proactive approach, a more detached yet deliberate approach, to save the savable.

Back in the saddle and the one with the nice saddle

I took  a deep breath. I knew this was the scene I eagerly awaited and feared the most.

Callie and Owen  were having drinks at the bar and Callie spotted Jenna from across their table.

Callie: Holy crap! It’s fate! Hey look it’s your sexy ....

Owen: She’s not my sexy anything

Callie: Why not? She could be.

  

Owen was there to relax and was not up to whatever Callie had in mind. He was worried about the conflict of interest because the woman was a tech rep, but Callie blocked his worries by saying what if they don’t buy the junk transducers that Jenna was selling?.

Callie: Come on! Gotta get back on the saddle! She’s got a nice saddle.

Callie was the  enthusiastic matchmaker for her buddy Owen. A friendship that is becoming beloved by many.   Their chemistry as friends was just really amazing and it’s wonderful to see them together, they had the loneliness factor in common.

And for her good friend Owen, Callie approached Jenna. 

Callie: I’m really not good at this kind of thing so I’m just gonna blurt it out. I think that you were interested in more than just our program today.

Jenna: Oh you picked up on that!

Callie: Ohhh I was right! I knew it! Okay so this should be easy. Owen is a little bit shy but he’s a great guy. And uh, the feeling’s mutual. So, what do you say?

Jenna: I would say that there’s something about him that doesn’t quite feel that he’s my type

Callie: What? No he’s very attractive, he’s nice, he’s funny. People like funny. I mean come on, give him a chance. What about him isn’t your type?

Jenna: He has a penis.

And the stages of Calliope’s  reaction was first, surprise; then pensive; then more surprised, then slowly…she reaches a realization…

Callie: Oh my God, Oh

Oh!

Oh!  Wait no. You were flirty.

Jenna: I was. But not with him.

Callie: Oh. Wow. I am wildly saddened by my intense lack of game right now. I can't believe I didn’t see it coming. There was a time when..that’s right I know it’s me  but right now I’m just hahaha cause you looking at me like that…

Jenna: You’re gorgeous.  Do people tell you that all the time, cause you are gorgeous.

Callie : No. Am I? No.  Am I?

Callie: Wait no, no, stop.

Jenna: Not into women?

Callie: No no no, I am. Totally. Women, men , people, really. I’m just not really shopping . I’m divorced and it was recent and painful and brutal. Brutal.

Jenna: You wanna forget,  for just a little while?  I fly out tomorrow. It doesn’t have to be anything more than one night.   

The woman was not giving up and was pushing on with her no-strings-attached intention.

Callie: I would love to have that, I’m just not ready I’m so sorry.

And Callie walked out of the bar, leaving Owen clueless about what transpired during Callie and Jenna’s chat.

Fetuses and  timelines

Amelia checked on Herman about one of her  doctors and Herman told her about the fetuses she was going to teach Robbins how to fix.

Fetuses she wanted to get to with the time she had left.

Babies who will die if Amelia turns out  to be “full of crap” and “can’t take out her tumor.”

Arizona was there overhearing Herman and Amelia’s talk about timelines and how many babies will die if Herman doesn’t survive the surgery.

Herman was back to her usual bitchy direct self.  But she was realistic and made good sense  in her royal bitchiness.

Using up all their happy

Callie joined Owen in the exam room, and Callie was wistful,

Callie: She was really pretty . The woman at the bar with the nice transducers. I’m not ready

Owen: Got to start sometime

Callie: Owen,  The last woman that I kissed in that bar,  I ended up marrying

Owen: Maybe  just take the next one home, then…

Callie: Shut up

Callie: Hey, you’re not ready either

Owen: You know I can’t even imagine, I mean sex, I’ve gone out in one night stands before but I don’t know. I can’t..something real..I pulled that icicle out of her chest, Callie, and I bathed her when she couldn’t bathe herself. I can’t imagine belonging with anyone like that again

Callie sensed the deep sadness Owen felt, and she could relate.

Callie: Have we used up all our happy? Are you ever afraid of that? That this is all there is now, it’s like I had  a certain amount of happy that was supposed to last my whole life and I’ve used it all up? Do you think that’s true?

Owen: God, I hope not

“The last true hermit was found and dragged out of hiding and into the world. Most might find his existence sad. But the hermit knew something we didn’t. He knew that when it comes down to it,  even when you’re with someone, or in the noisy rush of people, it’s just you. The one you can count on and lean on and depend on.  It has to be you. And once you figure that out, that’s when being alone becomes a choice.”

And in the last scene cliffhanger, Arizona had that  look of sadness when Jackson (as he and April waited for the test results) asked ,"This is a big guns conversation, isn’t it?

Arizona: (Sigh ) yes

Notes:

It’s the second episode since after hiatus that Callie and Arizona are apart and have no scene together. I’m getting kind of restless. How many episodes more of being apart? Or how many episodes more of not having at least scenes of them together? Insert tearful emoji. Hopefully only until 11x15?

Yes, they have to go through a process. Yes, it wouldn’t feel right if they suddenly were back together without any sense of resolution. All right, this journey is the type we have to go through step by step.

If they ever get a scene together, they will just make us cry again cause they aren’t even okay yet.  So maybe it’s better for them to have their own separate scenes.

They are living their own lives. Focused on their own stuff. Arizona with her zest for learning and being there for her friends April and Jackson, and Callie with her career, and incidental matchmaking chores for her friend Owen.

Seeing them with their  individual friendships was refreshing. It gave us an added dimension to each of their personalities. That they are both kind, caring human beings, dependable and helpful to their  friends.

Arizona 

She appreciated her mentor’s surprise with her crash course in handling  the most compromised fetuses.

This was too good to be true. Her delight at the prospect of more substantial  learning was amusing. Did you see her eyes light up, like a child on Christmas day, when Herman gave her the stacks of learning material? 

Also,she realized how different peds was from fetal surgery, which was a lot more hardcore.

She was learning toughness from Herman’s example, in handling the awful situations of the fetuses.

Also, Arizona was sensitive to others' needs, concerned about her friend’s baby’s fate.

Callie

Callie was the big thing of the episode. Her presence, her response to Jenna. How hilarious her reaction was when Jenna said she was gorgeous, who wasn't on the floor laughing at that scene? I mean how brilliant could an actor be? 

Her response to Jenna did make me happy but when she rambled on when she was  with Owen in the last scene, it did make me think of how lonely and sad she is. She came to the point of fearing that she might not attain happiness again.

Friendship with Owen

Callie and Owen’s friendship is beautiful. It is fun to see them  have a comfortable, open relationship. Fantastic chemistry.  It is always  wonderful to see them both openly share their emotions with each other.

Their  common denominator  --the loneliness they feel after having had painful relationship experiences—strengthens their bond even more.

The mutual support is solid. The fun is irreplaceable, especially when Callie tries to play matchmaker for Owen in this episode.

Sure people like to toy with the thought that they could make a great couple, but I would have to say they have  a very good friendship and it is best to keep it that way. 

Anything further would just mess up the story and the story lines and my ship.  So my bias is all over the place.

It is great to see them  there for each other, being the other’s cheerleader and shoulder to cry on at a forlorn stage like this. Bravo to this friendship.

Callie’s “No no no I am. Totally. Women, men , people, really I’m just not really shopping .

reiterates the fact that Callie is open to both men and women. Love it that gender is not important to Callie when it comes to love.

Callie and her self-esteem

I’m tempted to talk about the transducers, but I have no knowledge about them. Let’s talk about Callie and the lady with the transducers instead.

Callie was surprised at Jenna’s interest in her. Even flattered. But why didn’t she even KNOW that she was gorgeous?

That raw reaction from Callie showed that she  simply lacked confidence in herself. Setting aside how hilarious that scene was, on a more serious note, she seemed to have lost her self-esteem. 

Why? She  didn’t know how gorgeous she was? And hearing it from another person had to surprise her?

That she had to ask it twice, made me want to say to her—‘Callie honey, what have you done to yourself? Where had all your confidence gone? Why did you allow yourself to feel this way? Did you lose your sense of self along the way?'

Having had so much pain and giving all of herself through those times since the plane crash must have taken  a toll on her sense of self-worth. Maybe, just maybe, she had given all of herself and allowed herself to go empty and lacking in self-value?.

This line reveals her psyche:

“I’m divorced and it was recent and painful and brutal. Brutal.

Callie gave so much, and she forgot herself. And calling her breakup painful and brutal  said it all. It took a toll on her.

The damage signs are showing.  And leads me to agree that much as it hurts, they really need this time off from each other . It doesn’t mean either  partner is to blame, NO. It’s just that their circumstances have led them to have marital problems and Callie, in the process, lost herself.

Time off is a good thing. To refresh, to recover, to revitalize. 

Each has to go through the motions of being individuals, rediscover themselves, make themselves whole again.

There is brokenness and this is the time to heal. Apart from each other. On their own. By themselves. With the help of their friends.

Jenna was beautiful as Callie said, but she just wasn’t ready. Maybe she felt this was not what she needed to heal at the moment. And maybe it was not  time yet. I felt a sense of regret from Callie. But honestly, I feel it is only a matter of time (meaning two eps after) when she could get ready to try dating once again.

I felt this Jenna thing is just the teaser, making us accept the possibility that Callie could open herself up to dating again. 

Why not? It’s all a part of their journey. The journey to heal, to renew love for oneself, the journey to be whole again. Whole again, in order to love each other better.

The happiness quota

Callie’s  fear of the possibility ofnot being happy again was truly sad.

That maybe her allocation of life happiness was used up,  can only be voiced out by a person who had already been experiencing a string of unfortunate situations that the promise of happiness begins to look bleak.

That kind of thought of people who are beginning to lose hope about regaining happiness again.

The difference

See the contrast? Arizona is the driving force  of  hope for her mentor, and for her friends April and Jackson.

And yet  Callie has almost already thrown in the towel about  hope for more happiness.

Right now they have complementary attitudes,  and yet they do not know what the other is going through.

So breathe.  In the next episodes, the ride will be rougher.

All is good. They are both fine.  Let them grow. Let them feel.  Let them heal. Let them love.

All will fall into place in good time.

.

Twitter

@GAFan8